When in doubt

 As a reference to my future self... as in 1-second-from-now future.

You've foreseen this. (pretending to be smart eh?)

So, you know it's gonna be tough yet you yield (I admire you for this).

You promised to never regret although, now, I see you falter. (tell 'em that it's human nature why why does he do me that waaay.. )

Don't ever look back and utter "Is it worth giving up?" (yeah you need to assess the situation, we all know that! Don't contradict yourself geeez).

Believe me it is worth taking chances. You're bound to lose something but you have gained something eh? (law of equivalent exchange? nah, what you gained could be something irreplaceable , more valuable than any other so to speak. Then why on the verge of distress?). Just be grateful you ungrateful bastardess!

I know, I know you're almost there but have to let go. It is hard, yeah. When you get disappointed and I know at some point you will be, believe in God . Wherever you may be redirected from hereon is where you're supposed to be.

In times of uncertainties you always soulfully ask "Lord, it's been hard making decisions for myself. I have gone this far, but I don't know how to move on. Please tell me you're still there and lead me on.". Bwalah! you asked for it and it was given. Oh God, this made me tear up.

I leave this to you for reference again "Make your decisions the right one. "Make right decisions" doesn't sound right at all because no one knows what the future holds eh? so I'm not gonna advise that ever. See... you have never regretted anything so far . The moment you start questioning all the decisions you have made thus far, is the moment you lose confidence in your decision-making ability. So let's not go there. That's the dark side. You don't have much time to regret them all."

Untitled

 There is a kind of surprise in dating during the pandemic.

The anticipation to see how they look like in person.

But the fun part is, you won't get to see it too soon.

Until they take off the mask which might take a little while.

First you get to see the built, the height, the skin complexion.

Then you focus on the face.

As you get closer you get to see the eyes.

And the excitement, you become a little nervous.

You talk (while masked up) and get the vibe.

The first sound of his voice.

The tone, the accent, the movement of the eyes.

It's all eyes, and forehead for you girl.

Every details of him is slowly realized.

When he takes off the mask, and you do as well, you check,

"was he anticipating when I would take off my mask too? because I was"

He did not falter.

Poker face.

You cannot tell if he liked what he sees

or is disappointed.

Is he just being nice?

So Likely It Seems

Have I come to a point where a simple crush is not simple anymore?

If you could recall, there was a guy whom I met in Singapore and we keep oblivious those details that are beyond superficial at first glance such as real names, workplace, birthday, age and the like. He flew back to the United States leaving me with a question if I would know where in US he lives in -for fun.

Well, let's just say I still don't know but this story is not about him. It's about, who I happened to find again in search for him.

During my search for clues, obviously, I looked into pieces of crumbs he had left me- one of which was this photo. It was taken when he landed in the US from his trip to Singapore.

The airport image has DTW in it. That means Detroit Airport in Michigan. 

Michigan...

I opened my facebook and typed in, well, "Michigan". One acquaintance profile showed up. I dig into his photos about US. I got interested in his contents. "Ah, so this is what Michigan looks like". "When he landed there, this was what he must have seen". "This could be where he lives in". 

Justin sent me this photo, he's not "the crush" I mentioned here. He's that mystery guy.

It was winter. That was November 2018.

The person-I-was-acquainted-to happens to be living in Michigan.

I had fun looking at the very few photos my acquaintance had posted. Prior to this, I had not been this interested in his profile. One reason was, I had seen his posts about his girlfriend for which I was not interested in looking.

Actually, this person was one of the best looking and smart guy I had known in my workplace. I find him attractive. This is statistically-fetched fact, not emotionally-bound fact.  However, he was just another person I know.

By and by, visiting his profile to immerse myself about MI became something else. The littlest attraction grew to becoming simple admiration. 

I found out that he's still smart and sharp as he used to be, maybe even better. Physique, well, I am attracted to looks, too. He looks even manlier. The handsome guy I used to know did not falter. He fits to the description of my ideals. He always has been. By the way, he's been single so am I.

I started the connection we never had even before. Though we've been virtually acquainted long before, I seldom liked his post. Of the few he had, trim it down to a little more and that's as much as I would "like" among those. 

Then, I became a little more visible. I frequently anticipated his every IG posts and FB updates. If it was in his "myStory" I would send emoji reaction. If it was in his wall, I would heart it or like it. Sometimes we even say Hi's whereby most of the time I 'd be the last person to send a hanging message. It didn't bother me. I still like the mystery guy far more than anyone at that time.

When one of those days, I went on a two week solo travel. I posted a certain "myDay" where I was holding Armenia's travel guide. To my surprise he sent me personal message. We did chat for a while. Ahh... this person started really getting into me.

Days went by I recognized that I had crush on him. I even playfully told my friends about him. 

During my birthday last year, which happens to most of the birthdays per se, he greeted me on my wall to which I replied "Thanks crush". I think he was caught off guard. It was a very funny thing to do on your birthday. Even for once. They'd definitely forgive you for it is your birthday. Right timing. I only got a heart reaction, though.

Things went on as usual- small talks, reactions, nothing special, but every bit made me kilig.

January again. I booked a flight to Japan. Of the small talks during this month, we touched a topic of wanting to go on a trip to Japan to which I told him I had already planned to go. As a matter of fact I had booked my flight. When he found out I was to go by myself, he started to show interest of going, too. So we arranged to go together. Every day we would talk. We get closer by an inch. February came by we still talk, daily. He became fond of me, I could say, even my friends could, too. March went on, COVID19 happened, the trip did not push through. Little by little, we grew further apart, again. Two weeks after the last, we would still say Hi's. I am not too sure how he felt about me. To me, it's still the kilig, level up. Definitely not love.

Fast forward to one week prior to now. I came to know he has crush on someone else. Pity the unsuspecting fb friends, him included, who responded to an online prank. It was where you'd put your name on it and your crush'es name on it to know your compatibility. No harm done. Erm, no major harm. The registered owner of this temporary link would be shown who responded and who their crushes are. Obviously I read it was somebody else. I expected it. The mature, ever understanding lady in me totally assimilated it.

Playful in nature, I would have messaged him and joked about it. This time I chose not to do so. I was thinking, maybe I could use my silence to make him wonder what I was thinking? Well, that would work if I were someone special. 

Regarded the fact that I seldom received reactions from him to my posts minus the daily views fairly dictated that he really isn't into me. So I was not surprised at all.

So I asked myself "Have I come to a point where a simple crush is not simple anymore?".

Twilight

I am not ready for SG yet...
What happened in PH is incomprehensible.
Life has shown me atrocities of composite animosities in just 8 days.
One where your feelings side of the brain shuts down and your critical mind can’t take it in just yet.

Now, SG feels foreign rather than homie.
Staring at my bed asking myself what to do next.
I’m not mourning nor sad, of the parting and of leaving.
It’s a feeling of not having emotion, if there is such.

I guess, life goes on for the living.
And peace is only for the dead.

SA TINTA NG DUGO NG PAGHIHINAGPIS

huli na lamang masisilayan ang lugar kung saan ang mga kaluluwa at damdamin ay nasadlak sa pagdurusa,

kung saan ang isip ay binabatikos ng mga puna,

at ang iyong katahimikan ay siyang kapalaluan sa iba,

ang sa bawat sandali, ang mga gawi at kilos ay tila ba may mali,

ako ba? o sadyang hangal lang ang iba

sya ba? hindi ako ang huhusga

ngunit padadaig? sapat na. sapat na.

sa pagdadapit hapon ng ngayon at kahapon, oh ang bukas, alam mong ako sayo'y nasasabik

Sa Tinta ng Dugo ng Paghihinagpis

#Bulakenya

Physics is ♡

Everyday chasing this growing unread emails.

you go by 200 today, respond, do or mark complete some 80+, go home with 300. 😂 Does this mean you slack off?

if this is how you measure success, you have done nothing. Morning at 200, end of day at 300 unread emails. Go home exhausted. forget the 80+ you did.

If this was Physics where Work done is the amount of Force at a certain Distance W= F*D, and distance is a vector;

Wi= 200
Wdone = 80
WF= 300

WF = wi -wdone + W3
w3 = 300 +80 - 200
w3 = 180

W3 means there were 180 more emails that came along that day. And this has been the crucial one  that I often choose to overlook.
wdone was the work you did today.
wf is the end result.

WF being > Wi means you still have not done 100 more emails just to break even the work today. Oftentimes, or some companies focus on this end result. But they forget W3 and the Wdone.

For them,
When you slack, it means remaining Wi = Wf or worse Wi<Wf.

If this is how you measure success you're dumb because you got the wrong perspective.
And you're putting much pressure on yourself.

Now the physics formula of Pressure is...
.
.
.
nevermind.

This is not a poem.

Are you real?
Are you not just an idea?
You are too perfect.
And we've only just met.

Before I laid eyes on you
I had warned myself,
he will not stay,
this guy will eventually go away.

Seven months into that night I still remember the impression.
I no longer remember the details of your face but I remember what I felt when I looked at you. It was a nice lovely feeling wasting the night away, hearing your silly laughters. You were teary eyed remembering your silliness.
It was a nice lovely feeling to be alive and be with a stranger, the likes of you.

During those times I noted, I will never see him again when he goes back to the US. Therefore, I looked at you longer when you were not looking. I tried to remember the details of your face against the dark of the night. I tried to remember the pitch of your voice, your accent, your gestures. Truly, memories fade. The same goes to the connection that we built.

When I remember that night, it felt so distant now. It felt as if I just woken out of a dream and I never really knew someone like you, like it never happened.

Was it just me? Because I felt the connection and you were there too. I guess I will bury the night when I happened to meet the only person, and that is you.